10 weight loss secrets your dietician doesn’t want you to know

I am sure you’ve heard millions of dos and don’ts about food and calorie intake. It seems to have become the zeitgeist of our times – weird diet fads, gyms and nutritionists. Most of the things you’ve heard are urban myths; perpetuated by the media, a conspiracy which involves the diet mafia, nutritionists, ectomorphs, celebrities and bodybuilders. Some of the crazy things they have made popular include things like going to a gym daily to exercise (I mean how can something, that hurts so much be good for you?), eating less (think about it we need sustenance to survive!) and many such strange things like eating only sprouts, throwing away the yellow part of the egg and I’ve even heard rumours about a weight loss-fasting diet that is popular with political agitators. So we decided to get to the bottom of it and realized that everything you know about weight loss, calorie intake and dieting was a blatant lie.

After thorough research we present to you 10 weight loss secrets your dieticians would never reveal:

1. Routine consumption of one kind of junk food can’t cause  weight gain

If you keep on eating one kind of food item for an extended period of time, say like junk food then your body gets used to it and you can’t gain any weight from it. It follows the same logic that your body gets used to a certain intensity of exercise and you stop losing weight. So if your body stops burning fat after it gets used to exercise, it should stop piling them on when it gets used to junk food.

 2. The faster you eat, the less mass you gain

If you eat something very quickly you don’t gain any calories. What happens is, if you eat fast enough, your brain can’t process that information and fails to keep track of the quantity of food you’ve consumed. The dieticians and nutritionists actually know about this and that’s why they tell you to eat slowly because they want their business to thrive.

3. No witness, no weight gain

If no one sees you eat it, can it cause weight gain? It’s very similar to the quantum mechanics paradox of whether a tree falling in a silent forest makes any sound. Unless someone observed it there is no way to say with certitude that it took place.  Chocolates, cookies, some chips, maybe even a slice of leftover pizza, unless someone saw you eat them they can’t add to your calorie intake.

4. Tasting doesn’t count

If you taste something from someone else’s plate it doesn’t count as calories. Very simply put it’s just tasting not eating and that can’t add to your weight. Similar rules apply to eating while you’re preparing something, licking the ice-cream from a sundae you’re making or a slice of salami while making a sandwich.

5. Comfort food can’t cause weight gain

Comfort food or food used for medicinal purposes can’t add weight. Think about it, if it did then would it have been called comfort food? Any food consumed while one is sad or down doesn’t count as calorie intake. Ice-cream, cakes, chips, brandy, beer and pretty much anything else that makes you feel good comes under the umbrella term of comfort food.

6. Cold items don’t have calories

Frozen foods and cold food items can’t increase your calorie intake. How could they? Calorie is a unit of heat and stuff like soft drinks, beer, ice-cream sundaes, milk shakes and all simply can’t have heat. In fact they should actually subtract your calorie intake since your body processes it to bring the food to an optimum temperature for digestion.  In fact that is why our forefathers started eating dessert. To cut down on the calories that had been consumed during the main course.

7. Semi-solids and liquids can’t make you fat

If you can’t chew it can’t add to your calorie intake. Whey protein shakes are a prime example. No one ever gained any weight from them. Sadly Bengalis, because of their desire to ‘eat’ everything are an exception to this rule.

8. Food heated above 451 degree F can’t add to your calorie intake

If you heat food above 451 degree F, the calories are sublimated. Also it increases your basal metabolic rate and this helps your burn more calories.

9. Same colour, same calorie content

All food items of the same colour have the same amount of calories. Examples include yogurt and ice-cream, chicken makhani and tomato. Note: Chocolate is a universal colour. It might exude a brownish hue but that’s just an optical illusion and it can substitute for any food item.

10. Calorie intake is relative

If you’re out with someone and they eat more than you do then you can’t gain weight from that particular meal. So next time you go out to eat be sure to go with people who hog more than you and you’ll be fine.

I assure you, you’ll never be told all these things by a dietician, nutritionist or fitness expert and why would they.  So wake up people, it’s time you realized the truth and freed yourself from the illusion spun by the nutritionist-celebrity-fitness expert nexus. Don’t believe me, check out my before and after pictures here.

 Disclaimer: The article bears absolutely no resemblance or reference to any real fact or research conducted anywhere. We from www.thehealthsite.com wish you a very happy April Fools’ Day 2012. 

 

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