Diet Strategies: Lose 20 Pounds  

1. Because you whine that you need to. Have you ever been wrong about anything?

2. Twenty pounds of warm human fat can refill every bottle in an empty case of beer, with enough left over to fill your blender.

3. The statement "There's more of me to love" has an actual bedroom translation of "There's more of me to endure."

4. It's not scaling Everest or writing the great American novel. You can do it in your spare time.

5. You'll speak of toaster pastries the way you talk about that dirty blonde from the blues bar in Berkeley, another whiskey-soaked lament over a love too great to last.

6. It's the difference between being thought of as jolly or witty.

7. You'll lose weight everywhere, including the suprapubic fat pad at the base of your penis. So as your belly shrinks, something else appears to grow.

8. Decreased: your chances of developing heart disease, prostate cancer, diabetes, sleep apnea, depression, back pain, impotence, gallstones, joint problems, high blood pressure, low sperm counts, and an impressive collection of prescription-drug bottles.

9. Increased: your chances of putting four fingers on a basketball rim.

10. You'll literally get closer to women.

11. Holy sh-- . . . abs!

12. Men who lose weight never have less sex. They may not have more, mind you, but they never have less.

13. You'll shock the world at your local pool by being the only "big splash" champ to win the "little splash" crown.

14. Research shows that since you'll have less weight propelling you into the windshield, you'll also have less risk of dying when your car hits a semi.

15. Every time you pick up a 20-pound dumbbell, you'll remember.

16. You'll be able to reach even more places to scratch.

17. The clothing cliche: It's liberating the first time your pants fall down by themselves.

18. More pullups, because there's less to pull up.

19. Wait till you ride a WaveRunner, quad, or snowmobile when you're 20 pounds lighter. Vroom, baby.

20. In our society, people respect weight loss. Even if you do nothing cool or interesting or memorable for the rest of your life, you'll have done that.

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