Avoiding this vulnerable state is the very reason I was obsessed with food for 17 years, the reason I used to zing up and down the scale by 10 pounds every few weeks. It seemed to me that being thin was like wearing my insides on my outside, whereas being fat gave me protection. People thought they were seeing me, but I knew they were seeing only my fat; I was safely inside, watching, waiting, assessing the situation. When they rejected me, they were just rejecting my fat.The truth was that they couldn't touch me, which was exactly what I wanted. I was able to stop eating compulsively, in part by telling myself that being thin didn't have to mean relinquishing my control over who touched me, who hurt me, who came close, and who stayed away.
*Excerpted from The Craggy Hole in My Heart and the Cat Who Fixed It by Geneen Roth. Published by arrangement with Harmony Books, a division of Random House Inc.[pagebreak]
What do they know that I don't?
It worked; I lost weight. But until I met Matt, I hadn't been with anyone who could truly hurt me. My previous relationships with Harry the Rake and Michael the Cad didn't count. Loving someone who is emotionally unavailable is the same thing as using fat to barricade yourself. There's no real chance at becoming emotionally intimate with someone, no real vulnerability. What is closest to the bone, what is deepest and raw, never gets seen or touched.
But at the time, all I could think was, Why love someone who is just going to turn around and either leave or die? I didn't get it: What did other people know that I didn't? How could they open themselves, petal by petal, until they were completely revealed? Didn't parents live with their hearts in their throats every time their children walked out the door? Since sorrow is inevitable—it happens to all of us eventually—isn't it better not to invite it in? My nights were already sleepless when Blanche was roaming the neighborhood; I was certain he was going to be catnapped or hurt in a fight or that he would suddenly decide that living somewhere else was better. I couldn't tolerate the thought of losing him. Why would I double my potential grief by letting Matt into my life?
However, something (grace? insanity?) seemed to be pulling at me to melt, to merge, to toss away years of resistance. My defenses felt flimsy and insubstantial, like a papier-mâché wall trying to hold back a hurricane. I still felt that loving was dangerous, that letting down my guard was like agreeing to be destroyed. But I let him in. And I've never been sorry.
More from Prevention: 5 Ways To Deal With A Pet's Death
Giving it up for love
I once asked Matt, whose partner had died of ovarian cancer a year and a half before he met me, if it had really been worth the grief to have loved her and then to have lost her. Wouldn't it have been better never to have met her than to have been shattered at her death? He said no, definitely not. He reminded me that it's not the love we receive, but the love we give that nurtures our hearts. I didn't believe him. Risk pain just for the sake of loving? I thought he was being a goody-goody and someone who always saw the glass as half full, qualities I admire but that drive me crazy nevertheless.
I am only now, 15 years later, beginning to understand that, as a friend of mine says, love, when it is real, gives everything away. The act of loving is the point. When we love and give it everything we've got, no matter what the outcome, no matter what the consequences (which is not the same thing as saying, go ahead and choose someone who you know is going to hurt you), we are doing what we were put here to do. We are fulfilling the promise of ourselves, and something deep within us says yes. That's not an experience that you want to protect yourself from—by running away, closing yourself up, or eating.
Why food can't protect you
When you're tempted to shield yourself by overeating, remind yourself:
- The pain will still be there after the food is gone.
- Eating only makes you feel full, not happy.
- After you've eaten, you have two problems: the one you ate to hide from and your physical discomfort.
- No matter how much you eat, even if you go on a monthlong binge, the feelings will someday come back to haunt you.
- Eating can't make illness, rejection, sadness, loneliness, or fear of death go away.
More from Prevention: Are You Caught In An Emotional Eating Cycle?
