For many years, I led 1-day holiday overeating workshops, listening to people talk about their fears and their joys during the season. I heard what triggered their descent into bingeing and what helped them out of it. Of course, these stories weren't really about food but about how we use it to temporarily help ourselves cope. After the food is gone, whatever causes holiday overeating is still there. Food is only pleasurable, only delicious, only satisfying when you are hungry. In every other situation, something besides eating will comfort you and give you peace.
Here are four holiday overeating triggers with strategies for surviving with your sanity—and waistline—intact.
THE TRIGGER: Going home makes you act like a child.
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Every time Zoe walks in the door of her mother's house, she stops being an adult and feels about 3 feet tall. "I'm a grown woman, happily married, yet after spending 5 minutes with my older brothers and parents, I feel like the dumb little girl with big buckteeth who always gets left out," Zoe told me. "Then I mindlessly eat anything I can get my hands on. Which is, unfortunately, a lot."
No matter how old you are, your relationships with your parents and siblings may seem like they're set in stone. You're always the nerdy one or the little sister or the "problem child." One way we deal with this is to try to tune out. Or we revert to childhood behaviors or indulge in adult comforts such as holiday overeating. Here are 3 strategies:
1. Remind yourself that you're an adult. At your parents' house, bring along photos, letters, anything that reinforces your connection with your grown-up self. I suggested that Zoe bring a gift from a friend so she could have a concrete, physical object to look at when she felt she was regressing.
2. Spend time alone with your husband or a friend. 
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Go for a walk or a drive. Sneak into a quiet room and shut the door—but do it with someone from your adult life. This will help keep you grounded in the present.
3. BYO fresh vegetables. Moms love to have our favorites waiting for us when we arrive home. In Zoe's case, that means piles of cookies, cakes, her mom's special vanilla fudge, and no vegetables—unless you count sweet potatoes with marshmallows. I recommended that she bring her own healthy foods with her. It isn't easy, but by having a plan and following through with it, you can stay securely in the present and avoid sliding into old patterns and old ways of eating.
THE TRIGGER: You feel vulnerable about your size.
Joan dreaded her family's Christmas dinner because she'd gained nearly 20 pounds since she'd seen them all last year. "I know my Aunt Mary will say something about my weight," Joan explained, "and because she's mostly deaf, she'll do it at the top of her voice. I'll be absolutely mortified—and I'll eat everything that doesn't eat me first."
Joan's weight and her aunt's lack of a social filter are not the real issues. What is: Joan's self-worth is tied up in a number on a scale, a problem that many women share with her. When you or someone else defines you by your dress size, you start believing that if you're heavy, you must not be special, intelligent, or worth the space you take up. Before the visit, Joan was completely focused on her fears about what people would say and what her weight gain meant (i.e., that she'd always be fat, that she was doomed, unlovable, unforgivable). She needed to change her focus. Here's how:
1. Understand that you're not what you weigh. The size of your body and your self-worth are simply not the same things. To break that association, you need to disregard the negative self-talk that's going on in your head.
2. Learn to recognize hunger cues—an empty feeling or rumbling in your stomach. As you become more aware of what your body is telling you, you'll be better able to eat only when you're hungry and stop when you've had enough. Eating then becomes a physical activity, not an emotional one. (Learn how to recognize your hunger cues with 3 Ways To Tell If You're Actually Hungry.)
3. Have a retort ready. On a very practical level, Joan had to decide how to respond to her aunt's barbs. She could say in a calm, even voice that she finds comments on her body size unhelpful. Or she could handle the situation with humor and say, "You think this is a weight gain? You should have seen what I looked like 2 months ago!" (Check out these 9 other ways to deal with difficult family members.)
4. Change the focus of the conversation. The least-confrontational and often best approach to fielding a hurtful comment is simply shifting the subject without going into any explanation. If Aunt Mary makes a crack about Joan's size, she could deflect it by immediately asking about her aunt's latest vacation. People love talking about themselves to a good listener.
THE TRIGGER: You're surrounded by tempting food.
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Before Christmas, Oona's office resembles the "big rock candy mountain." Last year she feared it would sink her diet efforts like a torpedo. "I was really taking care of myself," she told me. "I ate only when I was hungry and ate just what my body wanted. But when everyone else started eating treats, I felt incredibly deprived if I didn't join in." Oona also didn't want to seem rude by rejecting the food so lovingly prepared by her coworkers. Here's what to do:
1. Sample only the special stuff. There's a big difference between eating homemade rugalach made by your office mate's Great-Grandmother Sadie and a box of store-bought Santa cookies with sprinkles. Eat what will give you the most satisfaction.
2. Listen to your body before, during, and after you eat. If a cookie looks good to you, ask yourself: Do I want it because I think it will curb my hunger or because I want to treat myself? If you really are hungry, then eat it. Enjoy the taste, the texture, and the whole experience of devouring it. But be sure to pay attention to how you feel 10 to 15 minutes afterward. If you're tired, spacey, or depressed, it wasn't really a treat, was it? (Try these 10 little ways to indulge yourself with absolutely no guilt.)
THE TRIGGER: You're supposed to be joyful...but you're not.
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Last year, Melissa's best friend was killed in a traffic accident right before Thanksgiving. Even though some time has passed, Melissa still doesn't feel much like celebrating. In fact, seasonal images of happy families make her cry—and eat, in an effort to bury her feelings, which seem so out of place in the face of all that "joy to the world."
It's not unusual to have what are called anniversary reactions around the time of a loss. Nor is it uncommon to feel blue during the holidays because of family dramas and societal pressures to be happy. In both cases, you experience a disconnect between what you think you should be feeling and what you actually feel. Despite your grief, there are a number of steps you can take to get through—and even find meaning in—the holidays.
1. Take time for tears. Losing someone you love is huge, and the feelings need to be honored and given space. I told Melissa that her job was to allow herself to feel the loss. She agreed to set a timer for 10 minutes, three times a day—and just lie on her bed and weep. "It's a relief to be able to express my feelings, as big and sad as they are," she told me. "Putting a time limit on them also lets me pay attention to the rest of my life."
2. Find activities you can enjoy. Melissa knows she doesn't want to do anything that feels "holiday-ish," but there are other ways to keep busy and make sure she isn't spending all her time mourning. A few suggestions: going cross-country skiing, seeing a movie, or heading to a day spa for pampering.
3. Socialize on a small scale. In discussing her plans with me, Melissa realized that being with a big group made her feel lonely (and when she felt lonely, she ate more). She decided that it was best for her to be with one person at a time, so instead of making the party rounds, Melissa celebrated by having quiet dinners with close friends and family members. By paying attention to her own needs for contact, Melissa is able to feel her grief and honor her loss, but not become so swamped by sadness that she turns to food for solace.
