While now I know that I was probably just fine at 142 pounds, back then I thought it was terrible because I was comparing myself to girls who were so much smaller.
From then on, it seemed like the more I focused on getting my weight down, the more it continued to climb. By the time I was in my early 40s, I weighed 246 pounds.
I tried every kind of diet possible. I was on the grapefruit diet, some kind of rice diet, the lemonade thing. I've done Weight Watchers, but it never stuck. I would just gain the weight back and then some. (Want to work out more but don't have the time? Then try Fit in 10, the new workout program from Prevention that only takes 10 minutes a day.)
Eventually, you just get used to it. You decide, "This is fine; it's OK. Maybe I'm just supposed to be the big girl." But deep down I knew that that's not where I wanted to be—I knew I wanted better for my body.
Photograph by Queing Jones
There was something different about the summer of 2014. I was going through a lot of different transitions. I had recently lost my job; I was moving; I had ended a relationship with the man I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with. I was feeling hopeless in a lot of different ways, and I felt like things were so out of control.
I moved out of downtown Chicago and close to the water, which has always been soothing to me. The day after I moved into my new place I went for a walk along the lake. I sat on a piece of driftwood and glanced behind me at a sign that was posted in front of a protected area of the beach. The sign said, "Do not enter. Restoration in progress." And I just thought, "Wow." That was a sign telling me that this journey I was on was not simply about eating right and working out. It told me that I really needed to be restored from the inside out.
So I just kept walking every day. And not even to work out, but because it was soothing and helped me feel refreshed. I lost about 20 pounds that way.
Around that time I went to a seminar for women who had experienced heartbreak, and came away from it with even more motivation to change my life. At the seminar someone said, "When someone breaks their leg and they're on crutches, no one says, 'You know what, you just need to throw those crutches down and just start walking.'" Her point was that any reasonable person understands that bone takes time to heal, but so do emotions. You have to be able to apply that same level of compassion to yourself when healing from emotional trauma.
It made me think about how hard I'd been on myself. I decided I was going to be more compassionate. I wanted to treat myself like I would my best friend.
Even though I didn't like what I saw in the mirror, I was not going to say "you look disgusting" and insult myself anymore. I started to understand that I had to love myself or I would never be successful losing weight. I literally would stand in front of the mirror and tap my belly and say, "Alright. I love you, but you'll be gone soon."
Photograph by Queing Jones
It wasn't easy at first. I'd roll my eyes as I said these things and as I jiggled my belly. But I realized that I was going to need help from my body to be able to change my body. It had to be rooted in love. After I started changing the way I thought about myself, it changed the way I cared for myself.
It wasn't until I was 5 or 6 months into my journey that I started changing the way I ate. I knew I didn't want a diet. I wanted a new lifestyle, something that would work for me for the rest of my life. So I tried a few different styles of eating—Paleo, vegan, vegetarian—to find one that I was happy with. Before, I ate like a crazy person! Breakfast sandwiches with extra hashbrowns, double bacon cheeseburgers with fries, and chicken with rice and beans and loads of guacamole were my favorite meals. Now, I eat mostly Paleo with lean proteins, fruits and vegetables, and healthy fats. For breakfast I like egg whites with an avocado, or I may do lean meat with some nuts. And I snack on clean, healthy foods every 2 to 3 hours.
About a month after I discovered clean eating, I was frustrated because I couldn't break the 200-pound mark. Then I joined a boutique weight-training gym for women. In the first month I lost 13 pounds and broke the 200-pound barrier for the first time in 10 years. Weight training was huge for me. I later lost 60-something pounds just focusing on that alone.
Photograph courtesy of Queing Jones
Before I do a workout, I say a prayer or a mantra. That can be something as simple as, "I have the strength and ability to lift more weight today." Or "Lord give me the ability to make it through this class without giving up." Or even, "You can do this!" I do a lot of self-talk. Drawing from within takes me all the way through.
Photograph courtesy of Queing Jones
I started at a size 22, and when I got to a size 12 I bought a pair of jeans from Goodwill and tried them on every day until I could button them. Then I bought a 10 and did it again, then an 8, and then a 6. I recently bought a pair of size 4 jeans that I'm doing the same thing with. I can put them on and they zip up halfway.
When I was 142 pounds in college, I was a size 8. But I'm 153 pounds now and a size 6. I weigh more, but I look leaner. So I understand now that it's not all about how much you weigh. The most important thing is that I continue to progress on my journey.
Self-love helped me lose nearly 100 pounds, and I'm still going. But I don't focus so much on the scale anymore. Instead, I let my body show me my progress.
