Bingeing

Question
I have been binge eating a lot these past few months. I will eat until my stomach is so full I can barely move and it hurts. All I can do afterwards is crawl into bed and cry. I promise myself that I won't do it again, but I always do.

I have a history of dieting, with periods of eating disordered behaviors. I just remember being hungry all the time. I lost all the weight I wanted to lose, 55 pounds, and ended up at 115 pounds. My diet consisted of only healthy food. I only ate bad food when I was with others, and even when I did, I would starve myself all day so I could fit it into my calorie budget. But I did cheat a few times. I would eat something bad, and decide that I've already messed up so I may as well eat more. Thing is, I used to exercise and burn off most of those calories.

My binging problem has escalated since I've met my goal weight. I try to allow myself to eat more and not count calories, or up my calories, or stick to my strict diet, but nothing works. I am now in a really bad rut. I don't even exercise after my binges. I have gained 22 pounds. I just eat and eat. I'm pretty sure it's because I 'deprived' myself for so long, but shouldn't I be over that now?

I feel disgusted. I'm really afraid that if I don't get control over my bingeing, then I will be right back where I started, or higher. I've been having a lot of suicidal thoughts lately, too. That scares me. I feel that food controls my life and think I may have an eating disorder. What should I do???

Answer
Hi, Alana

I am truly sorry to hear about you problems with food.  If you've read my profile, then you know I have personal experience with these issues as well.

That being said, I can tell you what I know, but you will need to seek professional help for the disordered eating and suicidal thoughts.

From what you've described, I think you have disordered eating.  As to what specific type of ED, if any, I can't make that diagnosis.  Only a licensed professional can do that.

Having lost so much weight, I can see how hard it is to not think about messing up and gaining it all back.  You may not be comfortable yet at this new weight.

The other thing I noticed in your post is an "all-or-nothing" attitude.  This is common among those with disordered eating.  One thing that will help you is to work in "cheat" meals or "cheat" days into your meal planning.  If you can do that, you will not feel so guilty about eating something "bad."

Recognize, also, that this is process and journey for you and things will not always go well.  You have to allow yourself to make mistakes along the way to good health.

Food is controlling your life right now, but it does not have to.  A counselor and/or psychiatrist can help you with that.

Another thing you can do is go to meetings of Overeaters Anonymous.  It's 12 step, similar to AA, but they are dealing food issues.  You can find a meeting in your area at http://www.oa.org

You can also find tons of resources and information on health providers in your area at the website for the National Eating Disorder Association at http://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org

One more website/phone number.  When you get those suicidal thoughts, you can call a hotline in your area, or you can call a National Suicide Hotline at 1-800-SUICIDE or 1-800-273-TALK.  You can also visit their website at http://suicidehotlines.com

There are resources and people out there who can help you.  Sometimes the first step is the hardest, but you have already done what I think is the hardest part: you are aware that you could have a problem.  Now you have established that, you can set about getting better mentally and establish healthier behaviors.

I hope this helps.  I know that if you seek out help, you will get the help you need.  Don't be afraid to ask for it.  Also, don't be afraid to make a mistake when it comes to eating.  You're not perfect and no one should expect you to be.

Good luck with everything and I believe you will be okay.

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