Photographs by James Elliot Bailey
To deal with the anxiety, I started meditating and joined a book club for widows. I was finally able to talk with others who understood what I was going through. Not only did this validate my emotions and help me start to heal, but participating also gave me a wake-up call. The meetings were posted online so other women could watch remotely. One day I caught a glimpse of myself on camera, and I couldn't believe the woman on the screen was me. My shoulders were rounded. My eyes were dull. I'd packed on 30 pounds.
In that moment, I realized that I didn't want to die with Gregg. I began using my meditation to visualize a new life for myself. For 30 minutes, I'd stop thinking about Gregg or the children and focus on what I wanted: to feel happy, healthy, and loved again.
It had been more than a year since I'd exercised regularly, but I finally started working out again. There were many runs when my sweat would mix with tears, and I began using workout classes to burn off my anger instead of eating through the pain. Within a year, I dropped 50 pounds.
The true difference, though, was internal. I felt a lightness, and I slowly started to imagine the possibility of someone else. I'd enjoyed being married and wanted to find love again.
Today my hope to feel happy, safe, and loved again is no longer a dream. About a year after I lost the weight, life led me to a wonderful man. And his name, if you can believe it, is Greg.
