Five Reasons NOT To Lose Weight

We are inundated by exhortations to lose weight – from the
media, from our friends, from our family. As the richest,
fattest, nation on earth, we idealize the impossibly thin
supermodels who smile (or smirk?) at us from every magazine
cover. We spend a fortune on trying to lose weight and despair
when we don’t.

Enough of the diet gurus, the nutritionists, and the weight loss
experts (including me), let’s enjoy ourselves for a while. The
diabetes and clogged arteries will overtake us all too quickly.
For today, let’s feast freely at the banquet of life.

1. Ordering in a restaurant is incredible fun.

Your dining companions may be limiting their selections,
counting carbs and fats and calories but you are free of all
that. You can pick the creamiest, juiciest item on the menu
without a single twinge of guilt. Go ahead, have the baked
potato with extra butter and sour cream. Chew the divine crispy
bread with your creamed soup or artichoke dip appetizer. Go
exotic with beef Wellington in its flaky crust shell or dive
into that impeccably marbled steak. And while your companions
sip coffee, order peach pie – a la mode, no less. Now, weren’t
you the one who made the most of the evening?

2. Enjoy the company picnic.

Let your coworkers make fools of themselves running three-legged
races and playing very bad touch football. They will have sore
muscles and bruises for a week. While they are moaning and
groaning on Monday morning, you’ll be comfortable and serene,
enjoying your memories of being the first, and the last, in line
at the buffet table and how much fun it was to graze
uninterrupted on those marvelous desserts.

3. Appreciate your daughter’s school play.

All those skinny, active mothers have been working for weeks to
get everything prepared. The benefits of obesity became crystal
clear when you were not even asked to paint scenery, hang
curtains, set up chairs, or walk the neighborhood to solicit
contributions. You can limit your involvement to showing up for
the performance, fresh and unstressed, gratefully eying the
tasty snacks set out for afterwards.

4. Make the amusement park comfortable.

The wheelchairs provided for the disabled and the obese are a
heavenly way to see the entire park. Every other adult becomes
exhausted as the day wears on, tired of waiting in lines and
walking miles to get to the rides the kids want. You are cool
and comfortable as they wheel you around. As the others get
grumpier, the kids flock to you and lament that their parents
don’t maintain your interest and encouragement of everything
they want to do. And on the long drive home, when others are too
tired to eat, you still have energy left for a burger and fries.

5. Make your vacation complete.

No one even considered suggesting a camping trip or a week at
the beach, did they? No, they knew your idea of a treat was a
short road trip with stays at deluxe hotels with soft beds, room
service, and a concierge at your beck and call. Let the others
take a walk around town while you lie down with a good book or
television show. When they return and, over dinner, tell you of
the sights they’ve seen, you can listen intently while mentally
rating the local cuisine based on your vast gastronomic
expertise.

Ah, life’s good!

P. S. If you take this seriously, get yourself to a therapist,
tout suite.

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