The Foolproof Diet

Weight-loss gurus often tout impractical and absurd diets. They push their products and posit their heft-reducing theories, each claiming to have unlocked some previously undiscovered or undisclosed secrets. These hucksters market all kinds of nutrition plans, from the never-eat-anything-bigger-than-your-fist to the fill-up-with-enough-fiber-to-start-your-own-gas-transmission-plant variety.

One man I know (whose name I won’t mention) has been following a high-fiber diet so long that he’s become a hazard to others’ health. In fact, he should be forced to wear a sign that reads: WARNING: CONTENTS UNDER PRESSURE.

The sheer magnitude of weight-loss programs today causes me to develop apathy toward the entire industry. Why would I want to join some fat-reducing organization from the West Coast when I live in Texas? Who wants to spend their time counting points or calories? And what’s so great about drinking unsweetened green tea? This is the Southwest (home of “sweet tea”)—not the Orient.

If I have to purchase prepackaged foods sold only through authorized distributors to banish my bulge, then I’ll keep my fleshy rolls (and my yeast ones, too), thank you very much. So stop asking. No, I haven’t called Jenny yet!

I prefer to follow a healthy eating program that includes all my food groups: chocolate, ice cream, pizza, fried potatoes, and specialty breads. And finally somebody has developed one; it’s called The Flavor Point Diet.

Now, if I correctly understand the concept, The Flavor Point Diet works by flooding your taste buds with one central flavor for an entire day. So on tomato day, for instance, the diet recommends eating tomato products at every meal. The next day, you’re instructed to switch to a different flavor—like pineapple.
On tomato day, then, I would eat cold pizza for breakfast, tomato soup with a grilled cheese sandwich on tomato/rosemary bread for lunch, and lasagna for dinner. Somehow I don’t see myself shedding much weight on a plan like that. But from a foods permitted standpoint, this program I’ve come up with a weight-loss program of my own. Here’s how it works:

Allow yourself to eat only bland foods at every meal. Appropriate dishes include plain, unsweetened yogurt, boiled oatmeal without added sweeteners, salad greens with no dressing, celery (no dips), plain chickpeas, and tasteless vegetables such as hominy.

If you’re uncertain whether a specific item might be appropriate for this diet, here’s a simple test to help you find out:

1) Take a bite of the food in question.

2) Swirl the sample in your mouth.

3) Determine if this morsel tastes good. Depending on results, follow
“a” or “b” below:

a. If this food holds no appeal, swallow and continue eating.

b. If you’d like a second sample, spit out contents. This is not suitable fare for the The Flavorless Diet plan.

Follow this diet for one week and I guarantee you will have no desire overeat. You’ll feel no craving whatsoever to excessively consume any of these foods. And you will absolutely lose weight the whole time you stay on this program—even if you don’t exercise.

There’s only one drawback; dieters following The Flavorless Diet are advised to wear a sign. To be safe, they’ll want to warn those nearby to exercise caution when lighting a flame.

Diana Estill has been a freelance journalist and humor columnist for ten years. Her work has appeared online, in magazines, and in newspapers such as The Washington Post, The Miami Herald, and The Dallas Morning News. She was a finalist in the August 2005 America’s Funniest Humor Contest. Her book, Driving on the Wrong Side of the Road: Humorous Views on Love, Lust, and Lawn Care, will be released in June 2006. To see more of her work, visit http://www.DianaEstill.com

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