Help Me Lose Weight Please

Me: Pardon me, I wonder if you might help me lose weight?

I mean, you know what they say – whoever ‘they’ are: Two heads are better than one. Please. I really need the help.

All right, I know that you can’t REALLY help me lose weight. Because, while you are wherever you are, I am … I mean, I could be asleep in New Jersey.

But just for the heck of it, how about we imagine that you are, for example, an explorer. Let’s further suppose that you are an explorer who likes to go outdoors and workout to keep in shape, maybe even lose weight.

You know, I do enjoy the outdoors. So sure, let’s see what happens.

Me: Super! That’s great. Now, how do you plan to help me lose weight?”

You: Have you ever tried rock climbing?

Me: Well, I’m not sure I…

You: Did you know that you can burn off 400 to 500 calories every day that you muster the energy to scale a reasonably-sized boulder? Not to mention that rock climbing can wipe out up to 380 calories in a mere half hour. (Don’t let your kids try this at home.)

Actually, rock climbing gives you a double boost – one to your heart and lungs and another to your arms and legs. There aren’t many cardio exercises that are as good when it comes to losing weight.

(Note: To learn more about the best cardio exercises for weight loss, visit http://www.shapefit.com/fitness-advice-5.html .)

Anyway, if you could burn up to 500 calories with one moderately strenuous rock climbing session, and combine that with a sensible eating plan, hey, we are talking some serious weight loss here, friend.

You make it sound so … what … simple?

You: Actually, we need a disclaimer here.

(Important Disclaimer: Check with your doctor or medical professional before you begin any exercise program, including rock climbing.)

Me: The truth is, I hate exercising. Hate is a strong word. Let’s just say I detest exercising.

You: Wait, I have a bonus for you.

Me: A bonus?

You: Absolutely. People who hate exercising tell me they love rock climbing. There you go.

Me: That’s the bonus?

You: Yep. The fun.

Me: Listen, it might be fun all right, but…

You: Plus, I have some tips.

Me: Tips?

You: It doesn’t matter whether you’re an old hand at rock climbing or a brand newbie, your body needs to be fully fortified. In a nutshell, that means plenty of the right kind of food, plus water.

Don’t make the stupid – and that’s what it is – mistake of rock climbing on an empty stomach on the theory that your body will be lighter and thus make your climb easier. Ain’t gonna happen.

Why? It’s just common sense. Rock climbing requires your complete attention every second you’re scaling the side of that rock. Giving that attention instead to feelings of hunger and/or thirst can lead to injury.

Your whole body needs to be adequately fortified, which means you need ample:

• Roughage. Make sure you get plenty of dietary fiber in the 24 hours before your climb.
• Protein. Cold-water fish such as salmon and tuna are excellent sources of protein. Avocados and nuts are ideal pre-climb snacks.

Me: Good tips all. But are they married to … rock climbing?

You: Also, please ,if you’re going to eat bread, make it wheat and not white. And fresh fruit rather than canned. For Pete’s sake please save the canned stuff for the next hurricane or horde of locusts or whatever.

So yes, there is a certain amount of nutrition to be found in white bread and canned fruit, although not much. But what we’re trying to prevent is a sudden call from Mother Nature while we are hovering a hundred feet over terra firma.

And, of course, pop and coffee are on the forbidden list prior to a rock climb. They are diuretics, and they can make you and your bladder miserable while you’re rock climbing. It goes without saying that alcohol also is a pre-climb no-no.

More about water:

You can’t afford to become dehydrated while rock climbing, which means you must have easy access to drinking water.

Be aware that rock climbing can make your entire body sweat profusely.

Me: You know, it’s possible I asked the wrong person to help me lose weight. I’m beginning to sweat already.

You: There is nothing good about dehydration. It can make you weak, lose concentration, even faint. Knowledgeable rock climbers try to avoid these things.

Me: Actually, the mere thought of rock climbing has got me feeling kind of faint right now.

You: In addition to avoiding dehydration, you also want to avoid getting overheated. So drink water before your climb, during your climb, and after your climb, that shining moment when you are standing with arms uplifted on a rocky peak, enjoying your amazing accomplishment.

Me (after a pause): You’re good. I have to hand it to you. I can see how you could help me lose weight.

But I’ll be straight with you. Rock climbing is not in my future. It just isn’t. Isn’t there some other way you can help me lose weight?

You: You bet. Would you like to get started right now? I know several very good ways to help you.

Me: You’re kidding. You can help me lose weight starting right away? Really!?

You: Sure can.

Me: Unbelievable. Promise now, no rock climbing?

You: Nothing at all like that.

Me (grinning): What a nice woman. (beat) Man. (beat) Intrepid explorer. (beat) Whatever.

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