My Journey To Finding Me

September 24th, 2004. Pearson Airport.

I stepped out of an Air Canada plane having just arrived from London. Original place of origin: Nairobi, Kenya. I came to Canada in hopes of getting a record deal and since this dream wouldn't have been understood by my Mother (or the Immigration Service) for that matter I arrived under the pretense that I would be studying at McMaster University (Hamilton) in the hopes of getting an Engineering degree of some sort.

Let's just say that by the end of my first year I had so many F's on my report card that....actually there's nothing funny or clever I can write in there, I had failed out. My pursuit for a Record deal which had become My Holy grail had gotten absolutely no where, I seemed to have developed an addiction to alcohol which was evidenced by the fact that at barely touching 19 I was throwing up blood and couldn't seem to remember whole months at a time.

Now at this point is when people would usually say 'but then I found (insert 12 step program here) and things began to really turn around for me'. Not the case, not in the least getting kicked out of school was only the beginning. Out of desperation to find my Holy Grail I decided to stay on in Canada with a visa that was moot since I was no longer in school and pretend to my Mother back home that I was in School. I did anything and everything for money in the hopes that one day I would get that magical phone call "Hey, We heard Your demo and would love it if You came in" and after that I would run back home call My family and all My friends saying in pure bliss 'Hey Guys I did it!'. After that my life would be heaven.

Fast forward.

December 2008. Queen & Lansdowne, Toronto.

I'm sat in a room that I'm renting in a house that used to be what would be so eloquently termed in the media a 'crack house'. It's got a bar fridge, microwave, hot-plate, single bed, 1 sink and a shower all in a space so small that sitting on the toilet You could see your dinner cooking. Let's just say I gained a vivid understanding of the word 'recycling' in that place. The record deal was nowhere to be seen even though I had dropped of my demo to every single record label in the Country and sent off songs to what seemed like every manager and a&r on planet earth. I had stolen close to a hundred and fifty thousand dollars from my family (I was still 'in school' remember?) which had been squandered chasing the dream...and booze....and drugs....and strippers....I think what I was doing has been communicated. So in short I was broke, in debt, living in a crack neighborhood, my dreams had not materialized and my suicide attempts had failed (let's leave those for another dose of Ricky).

There's no use going through 2009, all I can say is that the phrase 'bad habits die hard' could be used as the title for my biography (in fact it might just be).

It was only near the end of 2009 when things started to look quite frankly so bleak that it became comical. Nothing was working at all and one day after downing a bottle of brandy, burning my right arm, smashing a phone and bursting in to tears did a moment of clarity come. I looked around at where I was, I looked in the mirror at myself and quite simply asked 'What have I become?' How was it possible that I could no longer recognize myself in the mirror, where is He? Where the hell did Ricky go?!

It didn't matter where Ricky was, it didn't matter why He left and it didn't matter what I was at that moment. All that mattered staring into that mirror with tears stains on my cheeks was 'what am I going to become from today.'

From that day 2 months ago everyday I've taken steps to change my life.

I started doing things which I before wouldn't have even considered like joining a Society Online that teaches real steps to being successful, having a better mind-set and making money online. Now I'm actually able to start repaying my debt to my family. I acknowledge my mistakes everyday and accept them with no self-pity or self-hate in my heart because I know I can't feel bad enough to change my past but I can feel good enough in the moment to change my future. I've reached out to everybody that I've hurt and apologized. Not because it would make me feel better but because I am truly sorry and if they let me, I'll be the best friend to them that I can be. Most importantly I accept the person that I am and truly believe that I'm worth while, am worthy of love and truly deserve a better life than I've been living.

Though this is mostly just me putting down things that I've been waiting to have the opportunity to for so long I really do hope whoever You are that You enjoyed the read and it made You feel something positive in some way.

Thank You for Your Time and I wish You the Very Best in The World.

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